Discusses pitfalls of establishing a buddy system for quitting smoking with a friend or family member. Combines concepts of two earlier videos that discussed buddy system issues in real-world settings or when quitting with online quit site support.

Commentary from the Freedom messageboard:

Buddy Systems

You often hear about buddy systems in substance abuse programs. AA and NA and CA heavily utilize this highly effective and supportive technique. But it is important to understand something about the term "buddy system" These programs are generally "buddying" the newbie with a sponsor more than a buddy.

The sponsor is not a person quitting on the same day. It is a person who has likely been quit for a significant time period. Someone who is more stable in their own quit because they have a myriad of time and experiences already under their belt. They are not cured but they are more secure and probably have a deeper understanding of not only what quitting is like, but more importantly, what it is like not to be using after an extended time period.

This is the message that the person in the middle of a quit needs to hear. Not just what today is like, they know that already. Talking with people only in this stage of the game is just sharing misery. What is more important for the person in withdrawal is to understand the importance of overcoming this time period. To hang in to see what next week, next month, or even next year will be like if they just don't smoke for these time periods. Who better to deliver this message than people off these amounts of time?

Smokers who never quit smoking know what it is like to smoke. Smokers who are in the middle of their first week of quitting know what it is like to smoke and what it is like to be in withdrawal. But smokers who are off for longer time periods know what it is like to smoke, quit, and stay off.

They know there is life after smoking, life after withdrawal. The people who even know more are those who have smoked, quit, gone through withdrawal, stayed off for months or maybe years, relapsed, quit again, and are now off for a long time. They have more experience than anyone does and likely a deeper appreciation of the addiction and recognition of how precious and fragile their quit actually is. They still have to work at it, but it is among the most worthwhile work that they do any given day.

These people are here, and for you newbies. I am using "newbie" here as people in the first few days of their quit, even if they have been here in the past, this is a new quit for them. If you want real support, turn to the longer-term ex-smokers. They will help you in ways that you may not yet be able to help each other. But take heart here, this is not saying that you won't be able to help others too. But your primary focus needs to be on your own quit now.

Keep in mind, you will only be a smoker in the middle of a quit for a short time period. Pretty soon you will be the seasoned veteran. When this happens, remember how past seasoned veterans helped you and pass along the support. This community should only grow larger over time. Staying to help others will help secure your own quit too.

Many programs use the phrase, "To keep it, you have to give it away." Nowhere is this more true than dealing with addictions. And never lose sight that smoking is an addiction. Whether today is your first day, your hundredth day or your thousandth day, the trick to beating your addiction for today is the same, Never Take Another Puff!

Joel

Work/Group Buddies

Did you ever notice how we can go days, weeks or sometimes months without a single person feeling the need to post an SOS or a 911 or a totally miserable day, and then all of a sudden, we see one after another all at the same time? Well, yesterday seemed to be one of those days where negativity just seemed to abound.

For all of our newer members, go look at posts from two days ago, from last week, and last month, and see how many look like yesterday did. It is important that you realize what you were witnessing here then was not the norm. Don't walk away with the idea that longer-term quitters are not in constant withdrawals and also know that most are not in constant internal battles with chronic thoughts either. What you were witnessing was a few people having a bad day.

Over the years I have done two types of Stop Smoking Clinics. The first is community-based, and the other is corporate-based. In the community-based programs, we would normally get anywhere from 10 to 60 people. While a few may know each other beforehand, most are strangers when first meeting at the clinic.

In the corporate-based programs, many people come in already knowing each other, or, meeting co-workers who they may never have talked to before and then seeing these people throughout the day during the clinic and then for as long as both parties stay in the employment of the company.

There is a real danger in the corporate setting of two phenomena's occurring. First, the buddy system that we talk often about here at Freedom–where if one buddy fails the other follows suit, because the two people start to feel contingent on one another. Sometimes this is even a bigger problem when the whole group is a big buddy system, and then numerous people could be lost all in one swoop.

The other phenomenon that can be a real danger in such systems is when one or two people are having a bad day, possibly having nothing to do with quitting smoking, and then start to spread the word of negative feelings that they are now experiencing some horrible effect from quitting smoking. Then as soon as something goes awry in another person from the group's day, again, likely having nothing to do with quitting smoking, and the person starts to feel angered or upset by the external situation, he or she now thinks too that his or her feelings are some quit smoking effect. Pretty soon the whole group is scared and their quits are now in jeopardy. This can happen in community groups too, but usually on a smaller scale for groups rarely form long-lasting bonds and have regular contact with each other.

It is crucial that everyone who reads here understand that throughout their lives they are going to have bad days. This is not because they are ex-smokers, it is because they are human beings. It is even broader than that, it is because they are living organisms. Our environments will affect our moods. Be it weather problems, stresses with family members, problems at work, shifts in the economy, issues in the world that affect the peace and stability of nations, and a host of other problems that plague mankind, life continues after people quit smoking and it is imperative to recognize that you are going to have bad days as an ex-smoker. But you must recognize that you were going to have most of those same days if you were a current smoker and you would likely have had some of those same days if you had never been a smoker.

Also, you should note that while many of these bad days would have been happening no matter what your past or current smoking status had been, by having quit smoking you are in fact averting a whole lot of really bad days that smoking would have induced. Examples would be the day you have a smoking-induced stroke, the day you have a heart attack, or the day that a routine x-ray shows a spot that turns out to be more than a technological glitch. These days, while bad in themselves are the start of a time period that may make your current problems seem small and totally insignificant in comparison.

Then there are the problems of the bad days when withdrawals are just a tad worse as a smoker because the environments you are in are not allowing constant smoking. These days are happening a lot more often for people too as more and more cities, states and even whole countries are starting to implement smoking restrictions in more public places.

Then there are the bad days when smoking becomes a greater economic hardship because the price per pack all of a sudden jumps significantly. Then there are the bad days when you burn some piece of clothing, furniture, or maybe your whole house down. That last one would be a particularly noteworthy bad day–especially if you had pets or family members in the house who did not get out.

Smoking does have the one advantage of pretty much insuring that you will have fewer bad days of life though. It does this by killing you earlier than you were really intending to go. Unfortunately, this also limits your number of good days too and it will normally leave your loved ones with a lot more bad days than they would normally have had if you did not smoke.

Freedom is a lot more like the corporate-based clinics because we all have the opportunity to stay in touch and share experiences over the long term. While this allows our members the ability to share experiences and help to reinforce each other's resolve, it also carries the additional risk of the spreading of negative experiences and having them appear to be effects of having quit smoking. It is crucial for our members to be more discriminating than this. When you are having bad moments to be able to look around at the surrounding circumstances and try to determine if other areas of your life may be responsible for certain physical or emotional reactions.

If you come to the conclusion that absolutely nothing is wrong in your life or in the lives of others around you that can be accounting for some bad feeling–congratulations are in order for you have reached a state of paradise and bliss that most of mankind has been seeking since its inception and has never been able to attain. Although if this is the case, there is a chance that you may have lost a little touch with reality.

Life goes on after you quit smoking–accept that fact. It is indeed what you were hoping for when first quitting–that your life would go on as it did before, maybe even better. While you may not be happy with the way everything is going in your life at any given moment, if you really examine the benefits to your health and to your life of no longer having to maintain an expensive, dirty, dangerous, and deadly addiction, you will at least always be a little happier by the fact that you made and stuck to a commitment to never take another puff!

Joel

Related resources:

• The importance of quitting for yourself
• Make sure your quit is not contingent on others
• Helping others quit
• Quitting for others
• “I’m trying to quit smoking”
• “No thank you, I can’t have a cigarette”
• Watching others smoke
• “My support group is responsible”
• Comparing quits with others
• Quitting smoking can be a very lonely experience
• “I’m a serial quitter and I want to help people quit smoking”
• “It’s inevitable, some smokers are going to relapse”

Earlier versions of buddy system videos:

• Should I find a quit smoking buddy?
• Why Freedom discourages “buddy systems”